A beach diary: Florida sea pests and the purple flag of doom

An adorable Portuguese Man-of-War scurries along Hollywood Beach in his quest to ruin Beach Day. Honestly. He looks like he should be carrying a briefcase and wearing a trench. So official.

Portuguese Man o' War - 8

Humans - 0

Beaching in South Florida has been a challenge since mid-March. The Broward County lifeguards have been flying the purple flag - sea pest warning - on a regular basis. The beaches have been littered with Portuguese Man-of-War and swimming can be a risky venture.

....Ditto for beach combing. The man-of-war is purple and puffy, and looks like a deflated balloon, or one of those phallic noodle finger-trap things that always are an option at arcade prize ticket redemption counters. They look like innocent beach treasures, but beware; this souvenir can sting!

The jellies are common this time of year, and I understand the "locals" get a little kick out of all the spring breakers who flock to South Florida to drunkenly hit the beach, only to wind up having to ask someone to pee on their foot (for a reason other than too many shots at the Elbo Room and a series of escalating dares.) Incidentally, urine is not a recommended cure for a jelly sting. That was clearly made up by someone with a very specific fetish or a fervent hatred of tourists - or both.

The Man-of-War invasion has something to do with the direction and velocity of winter winds. When we hit the beach Sunday, it was rainy, but we waded in anyhow. Minutes later, we were booted out for a thunderstorm that never materialized. When the guards replaced the red "No Swimming" flag with yellow ("Swim if you dare, stupid tourist") they added the dreaded purple. Do the jellies come in with the storms, like waves of beautiful, painful ocean debris? Some mysteries are better left unsolved. Or at the most, poked with a stick from a safe distance.